Create – Consume – Consummate.
The being that I hold the most fear around contains the greatest power – this is the gift of the Shadow Totem.
Saturday, post birthday, 37, witch year. I am speaking with Luma, and the image of a temple and gateways come to mind. I remember too the imagery of spiders and webs. I watched videos on spider totems, felt fat spider bodies, connected her to the moon. She exists there in the middle of my being, but I am afraid of her dark void eyes.
As she of many faces, a changing woman, I can easily allow myself to be defined by the world around me, to become what is desired, to split myself in fragments. Without that I can become a bit adrift, unsure, detached. It is good to allow myself to feel those things, to watch and to notice. For 2019 I am forming a new life paradigm – which is not about me shifting to meet the person. It is also not about me becoming ONE thing.
I can be like a bouquet of flowers and greenery, different species mixed together, budding and dying, emerging and fading, all at once. I can be seen from different angles. People may see what they want to, or what they fear. I can be the same, in the middle of that. I can retain the mystery, the depth, I can be unfathomable, even to my self.
If people approach me, they may come from different angles, through different gateways into the pantheon temple. Each gateway requires a different initiation, test to pass, requirement to meet. Some are easier than others. I do not have to just let anyone in – in fact, it is on me to hold the gateways, define the rites of passage.
* I can not become clear on what I am to do next, to chose, unless I am able to hold this sense of solid-being of flow , to approach myself as temple, to learn how to listen and convene with my aspects and hold counsel with them all.
In the middle of all of this is the Spider, she is both tiny and huge, she is stillness and movement, weaver and web. When I look at spiders I feel FEAR but I also see in them something of great power. They have always been as such to me. I am partially terrified of them because they hum with power, silently, directly. They create out of them selves, devour , feel with their feet-hands, are able to hold stillness and presence or to launch into industrial business.
I’ve not meditated deeply on this but I feel it likely Spider holds or connects to all the other aspects too.
I do not know how to talk to her, or even approach her. Her presence feels intimidating.
I wonder if she has a human form, or words. It feels like not, like her essence is the void itself, her existence is the twin acts of creation and consumption. Her message is perfectly embodied by her existence. There is a mystery and secret there.
For now I will call her #Arachne
“Arachne, Spider mother, let me approach you with respect,
let my fear feed you and tremble through your fine webs
regard my tears and my terror
And yet my courage and determination to stand before you
seeing your own reflection in my eyes in your eyes
black mirrors that go to infinity.
You know the Void.
You come from the creatrix-realm of magic,
Let me conusme all the old webs, and offer them in supplication to new birth
Show me where the best places are to hook the new cords
Following instinct as I unfold the perfect spiral path
I am your daughter, grandmother.
Forgive me for the death of your children
as a result of my terror.
My path of anxiety has shown me that fear does not mean
I need to run from or destroy.
I claim back the projections of others I put on you,
and I own back my own Spider-magic.
Teach me, guide me, let me slow down and see how to spin.”