A time will come when the excuses run out, and you are left facing a choice. Continue to cycle round the same old patterns, or making a decisive shift.
The entanglements of living become tougher and thicken as I age – the desire to take risks diminishes, and inertia sets in. I find myself content to live in smaller boxes, willing to accept a life that is comfortable, because I am not driven by pain and loneliness the way I was.
I made a promise to myself that next year would not be a repeat of the left-brain intellectualism and academic work of this year. I love that work and it can easily become consuming. My art, my words, my magic, my body need care and attention and this will not happen unless I am decisive.
In younger years, Transition was always an adventure – a movement forwards. I had nothing much to leave behind, or at least did not see it in those moments. Now, in my late thirties, I must look directly at the what I am saying no to, and to own my choices. To acknowledge that my womb is and will be empty of child, and that is from my own choices. Rather than skirt around and pretend to think about it later, my body demands now for a direct reconciliation if I am to move forward integrated.
This relates to old habits, strategies, that also must be relinquished, which are those of fragmentation and denigration.
I decided at some point in the past that the way to survive was to pretend, or perhaps to fragment myself into pieces . To be choosey about who, where and when to reveal aspects of my truth. Somehow by spreading myself around like that, the parts would add up to one whole. Somehow that was safer, as I could limit and hide and control.
I can no longer sustain or tolerate that. I need all of myself, together, present, as one being now. The danger of fragmentation as a life approach is you become like a kaleidoscope; a small shake or nudge or twist and the pattern changes, the world becomes different. What yesterday was beautiful now appears corrupt. It is hard to hold coherance. It is hard to feel the inner wars between the pining mother and the determined witch. I have to reclaim ownership of myself now, and decide who I am to be. What I have said no to, and what I will grow towards.
By making myself look smaller, I will avoid wrath and attack. I will be safer to grow in the shadows where no-one can see what I am doing. This too is an old strategy, and it does not become me, not the woman I want to be at 40. This is a habit that can not simply be uninstalled, but must be upgraded; at the minimum to be silent, but better than that to be confident and calm. The world does not need more apologetic women. If I am not to be a Mother then I must be a Queen. I feel two Queens inside me – she of the Full Moon and she of the Dark Moon – and they are both beautiful, fierce, creative and loving in their own way. Neither of them are simpering, neither of them are apologetic, they are present in themselves and in their engagements with the world.
The biggest cords to cut this year is the illusion of control, that is born as a defense from my anxiety.
to make it safe
preparing for failure
Waiting for death or ruin of all I hold dear.
The medicine for anxiety is not structure – tight and binding – but presence and kindness – a boat on which I can sail.
To reach new worlds, far shores, I can not expect the sea to be flat. I can not be so brittle that my wood chips at large waves or buffets of wind.
I must instead Transition to Life, to warm swan, feathers and softness that keep young ideas safe, powerful wings and strength to defend, instinct, heart.
Out of fear I have fought to construct a space for my life to exist, a scaffold to hold, identities to wear. But the time to journey again returns. Knowing death and valuing life, and the thin line between the two.” (words from solstice writing)
My anxiety and night time panic has started filtering into daytime thoughts that border on OCD habits and this shows me more than ever that I must return to my body, my soul, and break the patterns that I created from fear and protection. Instead – I can bring my strength, wisdom, presence together, and remember that I can adapt to changes (or die in the storm…) , I can learn to hold my heart in love and calmness, increase resiliency, and remember who I am.
The only other card to come was the 6 of Vessels – Reunion. This is the Seed of Light, the possibility inherent in the darkest night, the hopeful destination of my journey forward.