It has been a very long time, too long, more than a year since I have written. I come back here to find this post saves as a draft, from august 2017, hidden all this time. I will start by revealing these words. 2018 is the year my voice will become present and clear.
Even if this starts private and hidden, I must find a place to start writing again. For it is only as I write thatI can tune in to the voice inside me, the voice that knows, and guides. I feel her in wild-creature and the altered state I enter sometimes in intuitive wordless work of touch and energy. I expressed her shadow as whore-innocent, a paradox of virtue and sin that is the dakini-healer. I expressed her in domination of the Queen who hurts and laughs, I feel her still even as I watch my beloved dog complain about her grooming; I am not pulled by the surface waves of emotions, there is a strength in there of the dark void, the spider in the center, the galaxies, the empty black of potential.
I feel a snake, a dark coil, a pregnant-empty womb, and excitement around claiming that chalice for myself, for magic, for not-child but something else. I feel the wild woman who flips from beardy-scruff to made-up woman; a shapeshifter and proud, or just lacking in solid identity? Actually I would like to have a wardrobe of witch clothes that lets me express in the world without fear and with a level of integrity, rather than hiding in reflections.
I feel the rage of being told how and why and what I must do, I do not wish any more compromise, I have been through too much, crawled for too long, scaled heights that are too high, and deep. I have to express a work that is my art and my magic. nothing else will do. I am not mother but mediatrix but who out there can teach me or show me how?
ha. I know the answer already, the secrets will only be revealed when I am willing to truly listen to myself, to trust and distill out wisdom from the world as from other’s bodies and to be able to not meddle but reflect, and hold, and support them so they may learn more of themselves and be received…?
It starts with allowing myself to be the only reader, to weave webs that are for me alone, to validate and capture and expand without needing any approval or even recognition. It continues by abandoning the excuses, the apologies, the hiding behind a mask of smallness and insignificance. if i can not proudly be in my fullness, without apology or excuse, how can I ever encourage others to be the same?
May all three souls be straight within me,,,