I’m in my mid-thirties, married, and although I always thought I’d have a child it’s not possible. There has been a lot of grief from my womb and a lot of struggle with identity and value. I don’t want to just identify as gender free even though I do connect to both genders. I want to feel like I can be as fiercely feminine as the whore or the mother, without being either of those. I want my feminine magic to have expression and be valued in this phase of my life. Somewhere though, I have the feeling of forgotten Archetypes, something ELSE, maybe to be remembered or maybe to be created anew. Gradually I move towards, skirt around, being the Witch, the Mediatrix, the Enchantress. The one who consumes her own fertile energies and channels them into whatever she chooses. The one who knows death, and transmutation. That knows how to hex as well as heal.
There is magic wilder, ancient, to co-exist alongside the mothers and the maidens, that is in the arc of midlife not crone. That’s what I’m remembering, calling through me, hoping for. But when I get a glimpse of the potency of it, I get afraid. I want to be given a society script, a story, an instruction book. I would dearly love to talk with and support other women and people in this strange and unknown space.
Perhaps it is more than fertility cycles. Perhaps a part of this is the Consumption of INfertile energies, to create anew.