Never before have I had a spring equinox where I feel such an exquisite tension of light/dark, vision/dejection, love/fear. I am experiencing this heady balance point, and have moments of graceful power and poise, and other times wobbling all over the place.
Tribe extends across the world
It was a year and day since I left the UK to come to Canada and successfully got my working visa. I’m half way through the 2 year permit. Last year I marked the spring equinox in London, burning intentions in an offering bowl with a Tribe-friend… by twists of magic and intention we managed to meet again for 2 days in Canada – his company had flown him to present in Seattle, just a short boat ride away. My heart burst with excitement and love to have him “pop over for the weekend” – and tears of sadness as he left sunday afternoon. It’s all worth it though, to feel the roots of connection spread across the world, past borders and time zones. We went to forests, sat watching ocean, danced for hours, ate much food.
Saturday night, pre-dance, I sat at a table with my Mate, my UK Tribe friend, and our new Tribe friend from Canada… after wine and olives, she lit a candle and we spoke intentions and magic. It reminds me how all we need is to declare these sacred moments, and also how easily the chance to find them slides.
Sacred moments, words for 2016
The emerging seeds for 2016 are being really big and expansive, and also being reconnected to my own core without withdrawing from others or the world. Felt-image of myself with fierce clawed feet in the soil and earth, with dark wings open really wide. Roots connecting across the world.
I will remove the excuses to big-ness, that I find by mangling myself up really small, or finding all the other reasons I can’t be in that bigness or receive love from others. Also – I release the tendency to mangle myself up into a small broken thing so I can “stay safe” for others. There is a fear that if I really let myself be in that expansion, I will be dangerous, ego-inflated, destructive. Actually – I have friends of Truth and Fierceness who will speak up and say if I become that, and also it is the mangling up small that leads me to be destructive and hurtful to others.
Words planted for 2016:
“I will be Safely Magnificent”
“Even in my Mess and Mistakes, I am Worthy of Love”
A magical friend in the UK adds to this :
Our mess is what makes us. It’s the chaos that attracts our true loves. Because we see a sense in it that matches our own.
Crucible of Marriage and developing Sexuality
I used to be a Polyamorous-Slut, in that I was happy to collect attention and sexuality from all manner of directions and people and situations. I’ve now spent 3 1/2 hears being exclusively with one man, moving into marriage and living in an apartment where we both work. It has been an intense crucible.
One of the biggest ongoing challenges for me has been how to mature my sexuality into something focused and also realistic. When I had multiple partners I used to pity those with one, and saw it as impossible to get everything you needed from one source. I have a different perspective now, part of it has required an owning of my energetic-vampire tendency to suck in and feed on novelty, attention, and the easy-sexual lust of repressed and excited men. I became dependent on this to balance and recharge myself, in ways I didn’t fully recognise till I didn’t have it.
The thing with the old situation was – I confused enjoyment and appreciation of a person with real, giving love. I could handle so many lovers because I didn’t care about any of them – or myself – particularly deeply. I would have disagreed at the time. I thought it was an equal exchange for I gave them access to my body and that, after all, is all a man could want, right?
Getting to love a real man in a mature way has shown me how childish and limited that view is. I couldn’t go back to it now.
What giving up multiple relationships meant was facing the huge gaping hole in myself. For quite a while I filled it with my one man, but eventually that too has to die, and the hollow space is still there, more raw than ever. Eventually you have to face how much you really love and nurture yourself, and how you can look after your sexuality yourself. This is still one of my big challenges, but I am learning in this crucible things I could never have learnt when there was always a new lover on the horizon.
This Spring Equinox I had some new discoveries for my sexuality – I am growing here too and I like it
Challenge : I need to feel desire and attention from a man in order to let my own desire and lust respond and open up. But how to get that when it’s not a new horny man?
Discovery : The expression of my desire, especially my vulnerable desire, is beautiful and stimulates great desire and love in my man. This is not limited to horny-lustful-fuck-me-now desire. It includes a tender openness, a showing of my need and longing for touch and love. It includes being clear about asking simply for time and attention for love and being joyful about it rather than grasping.
Challenge : wanting to explore new avenues and depths of sexuality but relying on that experience to be provided for by the man. It’s all about who they are, what they bring, how they touch, what they know. How to explore within one relationship rather than many?
Discovery : the idea it is all provided for by external sources only is somewhat of an illusion. I am part of the picture and there is depths and discovery to be found within me, my changing body, my rhythms. I am now moving past being a passive recipient to actively co-creating my experiences, including sexual ones. (this is big for me). I found that my man’s touch of my sex can feel one way if I’m resisting or in my head, but if I switch to consciously receiving – taking in, savoring, channeling – I can enhance and transmute my own experience of pleasure. This is even before I add in what I do with tensing and relaxing my pelvic floor.
Perhaps broad expansion of sexuality can come through opening to multiple lovers, exploring and tasting many things, and that is great and beautiful. It expands perceptions and possibilities. However there is a real depth to be found by slowing down, focusing and going inward into yourself. I can see that as I gather together a true, centered, full sexuality in myself, the experience of going back out and sharing with many people would be very different to what I had in my twenties.
Right now, though, my desire is to explore and surrender into the path of devotional love. It is more precious, and also more exposing, raw and scary than any of the hardcore sex activities I have explored before.
All in all – hail to the return of spring, the buds of leaves, the rising sap, the return of lusty love for life. Hail to the dew drops sparkling on fresh grass, the colours of the flowers pushing up through the ground, the juicyness of life and the excitement of fresh possibilities.