The image of glaciers melting and shifting, leaving behind debris, is how I feel – as I become unstuck, old frozen things emerge and are left behind. I am emerging from my bleeding-time – this month I decided to prioritse/permit myself to dissapear into introspection, and now I feel the emergence of new energy, desire to move and to feel again.
I am getting sparks of insights about the Rebel Spirit and collecting them in a book. I have drawn and I have felt impulse to cook and create and, of all things, go swimming. The last few days have been continual rain, and the sounds of storms, which provide a good backdrop.
— Death Dream/Nightmare —
Last night, I dreamt of a build up to my own death. It was a clear, realistic feeling dream, with very strong physical sensations and very clear linear plot-flow. A sense of time, and days passing, and timing/mortality.
- The sequence starts with being in a meadow with my second ‘mum’, a beautiful maternal woman who looked after my brother and I. We were having a picnic in long grass, and I was bitten on a left finger by a small black insect. It was very black, and shiny, and dense. I don’t know if I felt that bite. But over the next days, yellow pustules and incredibly itchy sores like mosquito bites began appearing on my hand and then my arm. It reminds me of times that flea bites have appeared, delayed, seemingly from no where. I noticed how they were ‘tracking’ up my blood vessels.
- Then I was visiting an ‘open day’ for an Eskimo (not PC but that’s what I thought in my dream) tribe who were offering various kinds of gentle healing strokes and touches. Mostly women but I had a young man with long hair come to me – I thought he looked like he had a gentle touch and it would be pleasant. But when he saw the sores on my arms, he beckoned for a medicine woman (age seemed to change between young and old) to come over. He was asking about putting some herbal medicine in the sores. She had some on little sticks she dipped into the medicine and then into the sores, right inside my body. I could feel them stinging in the dream, very vividly. But when she saw how they came all the way up to my left shoulder, like yellow bruises of septic infection under the skin. Even to the left chamber of my heart – you could see the infection showing through the skin of my chest. She got sort of fierce with me. Her english wasn’t good but She said something about being careful or not using my heart very hard as it would easily break, physically. Then all the healers/tribe people got up together and started walking away chatting, as the “open day” time was finished. I ran after her with my female friend trying to get her to answer or explain what was happening or repeat what she said.
- I went back to my parents home – it was full of sunlight. I went to bed, looking at these sores and feeling the medicine in them, and hoping they might clear up but also suspecting it was too late. For some reason I had been ‘too busy’ to get help or had hoped it would go away by itself.
- Another identical black insect came up and bit on to a finger on my right hand – THIS time I REALLY felt it, I immediately pulled it off and threw it away, not wanting to get any more infection, and not on both sides.
- The next morning I went down to the kitchen to try and get my Mother to look at it. I was now wearing a long sleeved white shirt to hide the bites and marks – although for the last few days I’d been wearing no sleeves so everyone would have seen them but too polite or oblivious to say anything. I was feeling pretty worried because the marks around my heart were still there, even though I could feel a difference from the herbal remedy, a sense of it being too late.
- My mum for some reason got aggression or anger in her eyes when I tried to directly confront her to look at my hurt. She didn’t want to see it. I wasn’t sure what to do, but then I felt something flip in my chest and sort of bubble/gurgle. My mum got a look of fear and said “why has your chest gone white?” I took my shirt off and felt that my upper chest had gone cold from lack of blood supply. I felt the fibrillations in my heart and I knew it was done.
- My mother immediately went to call an ambulance. My final thoughts and feelings were :
- A sense of calm and acceptance mixed with fear of more hurt, but also glad I was dying with my mother present, at home.
- A sense of incredulity and almost amusement that after all the complex striving, I could be killed by a single insect bite. I had no sense of panic about what I ‘hadn’t achieved’. If anything surrendering was a sort of relief.
- And most of all I wanted to call my husband, who was far away, and let him hear from me in my final moments, and for me to hear him. I wanted Love. That was the only thing which mattered. I wanted my mum to get off the phone so I could do that. I knew that an ambulance wouldnt help me and I wanted to use the time to feel and express love. The final piece of horror was that the only phone number I have memorised is for my ex-boyfriend(!)
I woke up at this point and felt VERY glad that it was a dream, I wasn’t about to die, and that I was in bed with my husband. I had to go to the bathroom and turn the light on to check my arm and my heart. I feel very conscious still of my left arm and shoulder. Very aware of the fragile vulnerability our body and the lack of real control we have.
I think this is a dream to work with for a while. There are messages of not ignoring symptoms by being busy. Of how the tribe people recognised and tried to help what my own family didn’t see. Strange themes of mother and the feminine.
I don’t think I’ve had such visceral body awareness in a dream before, particularly feeling the stinging burning sensations of sepsis and infection, the cold of my chest emptying of blood, the sense of my left heart failing.
Feeling a tender sense of love for my physical body, wanting to care for and celebrate it, that and love for others. Perhaps I can admit that being here to Love Fully and Be Loved Fully (the core of my marriage vows) IS enough of a ‘purpose’