“The wolf is on the edge of society wanting, deciding whether, to come back in. The wolf has been hunted and abused to the point where it has removed itself from the common place. It is a social animal, lives in a matriarchy with powerful feelings about its young.
This is the essence of the remedy.”
2018 is the year I will seek, find, and claim that which will support and nourish me back to a wild state of health and wolfy-magic. The last few years have been full of fighting to live, survive and exist in a different world, to push myself into it, at least in the human-work level, to make progress in career and education – and yet to feel inside a withering and disconnection of that which used to pulse strong and fierce. Blood, sex, art, words. The maiden-witch girl stumbled and faltering at the transition to mother – a choice to be with a man who is now clear he doesn’t want more children, and who can’t get me pregnant even if I resorted to sly and sneaky desperate means. The grief welling up in my womb, the mixtures of desires and sadness became too much to bear alone, and I shut something down.
But I do not wish to skip some step, go straight to crone. And I do not wish to spend my last few years of thirties and beyond in a listless moan-mode, bitter and afraid of future regrets to come. I still have life, and desire, and adventures to have. I still have learning and growth.
A year of art-therapy has dug in through the usual suspects; family, parental issues, old assumptions, life habits. Till we got to the point of fear in being born, the anxiety of a premature creature on the scalpel edge of life and death. Death has pulled at me a few times, enticing and full of gravity. I’m afraid if I stop fighting, or struggling, or gasping for breath, this is the automatic flow, the default. Surrender means death, not life. Despite that existential lack of trust, here I am, and following the path of love and truth as best I can.
Today I went to a naturopath, a desire to add in physical support for my soul-physicality, and to help me find my way back to my sex and body and sensing self. I went on intuitive hit from a side of me that has been more quiet, so I was determined to follow through, even when events pulled at me to give up. I talked a lot, trying to pull apart the various stresses and concerns. The last few weeks have been emotionally raw. Today is a new moon and my period is a little late. She gave me different remedies to hold. The first made me aware of a my heart, like a small bright light buried under a huge big dark fat wall of defense. Apparently “swan feather.” The second one was powerful – a surge straight down my core to my pelvis. A strong sense of gathering of self, and feeling connected to the world again. It is such feelings I have been craving and longing for. It is such feelings I have been displaced from. It was good and it was direct.
She told me it was “Wolf’s milk”. I took two under my tongue and I felt the deep connection reach up through my heart to my mind. I felt, just a little, the ghost of spirit wolf-self emerge, the ears, the tail, the nose. I felt and cried waves of both loss and relief. The loss and sadness of being so far from my wolf-home in the UK land, especially my tribe there. And relief that my wolf essence is still in me, accessible, and even as I felt her, I could feel my tribe, through the energetic-ether. My biggest challenge the last few years has been the wall of disconnect, the shadow wrapped around me, the feeling of loss of soul and being as if a ghost-walking here in Canada. A specter of a person, a shade. The remedy gave me much needed spark of hope, an ignition point, and cracked the belief that this soul-loss is absolute.
“These are individuals who have been on a journey, have looked at their darker side and are now considering coming back into more formal society.
There is a wildness to this state, they are trying to access a wild side, their shadow side, but they are also social animals and may connect with others to find this wildness, a wild society.”
I would like my wild-society, be it spread across the world or in this very town. Mutual support, laughter, hunts and play.
As I allow myself to write again, and reflect on the ally that is Wolf, and the words from the naturopath, I begin to connect and see and place – that the wolf IS in the center of my body-womb-sex self. She always has been. From the playful fox-girl into the teenage werewolf. Cycles of the moon and menstruation are hers. Scenting and calling for my mate is hers. The pathway into pleasure, touch, sensation – this was not guided by the repressed British human! This was guided by her. Intuition and art. Magic and dance. The remedy was like a gasp of fresh air, and eyes opening in the moonlight. I write to capture some of what I’d lost sight off. I feel her presence with me, warm fur around me.
She has been there as companion through early years, guided me into my sexuality, with both ordeal and gentle love. She has been there as hungry and wild sex, la lupa prosituta, shameless and strong, scenting her way to her wolf-mate. She has more to guide me with, and has been there even the last few shadow years. The knowledge that family and love for the young ones of the pack is bigger and broader than just being the birth-mother. Right now, with the echo of remedy still in my system I feel allied, strong and clear. That the human-culture-ideals will always be too small for me, but just because I might be ensnared by them I can step out too. Chew a leg off if I have to escape the snap-traps. A knowledge that I can retain my wild self and walk among the world too. this is part of why I am here, in this place, to learn how to do just that. That it’s not an either-or choice. That I am wild, my wildness is in me, and my wildness can mature now, beyond the high intensity of the young and fearless, into something that is grounded, deep, and nurturing of life.
The final words to myself are – let’s put down the hatred and sense of failure of “survival mode”, seeing fight or flight, anxiety, as enemies, unnatural or wrong. I can honour the body, the nerves, the sheer grit and bloody determination that got me to this place, this fight for life means I am still here, with a home, and a love, a fox-dog. I am good at it and it has stopped me from laying down and dying when many others would have. I enjoy the fight, the blood, the pain and the pleasure. I am now learning how be more skillful with the full range of emotions and feelings – to “be friends with my fear” rather than despise it. To not suffer but to live.
“The energy in LAC LUPANINUM is they have their own power, there is an animal need to survive and the redness of blood and its smell is significant and stimulating but LAC LUPANINUM is not suffering form the terror and violence of their situation.” https://homeopathyonline.org.uk/8-2/lac-lupaninum/